Some of you may see the title for this and think, gee, if she talks about her fucking mental health issues one more time, I am going to flip my crap. I get you. Believe me. It may hurt for the people around me to hear about it, but I will bet you good money that for me, and anyone else who suffers from anxiety and depression, it is also no picnic. I want to share candidly with folks what I deal with in a more comprehensive manner, perhaps go beyond the standard "this is difficult" and "I feel depressed."
But while we're there, let's begin with that. The depressed part. Many people say every day that they feel depressed because of general unpleasantries; think financial issues, catching a cold, feeling overworked, not having a date this past Saturday, etc. And in no way do I diminish any of the feeling that folks feel when going through that. But depression is markedly different. Feelings about a finite circumstance, while certainly notable and hard to handle at times, are just that: finite. Anyone dealing with situational sadness know that there will be a change at some point and can actually see it happening. The next paycheck will be big and help pay some of the bills. A Tinder match finally came through that appears to be a good one. Yoy get the picture.
Depression, and I cannot express this enough, is very, very different. It is an ongoing illness. It is not something a sufferer can cure but must learn how to control in order to overcome. And doing that is like trying to engage in a spinning class while in quicksand and crying. It is my natural leaning to see things with a depressive lens and to expect that, at any moment, the rug will be pulled from under me (props to anxiety and panic disorder, my clinical diagnoses, for that). Depressed persons also deal with a litany of other issues, many that well-intentioned friends and family try to help with, but often exacerbate. Thus far, numerous things have been suggested. Some are good ideas and have either proven helpful already or will likely help if I can manage to get out of the mental quicksand and try. Think medications (you can keep your feelings to yourself if you don't believe in it, millions of other folks' lives have been saved due to a healthy regimen, myself included), therapy (it's hard to find a good fit and I think I still struggle with this one, as I often need to change it up as I go through different life seasons), acupuncture (hey, if it worked for my little doggie, I am a believer), and exposure therapy. That's a big one and one I hang my hat on proudly. Over the past year or so, I went to a wedding, suffered through a major loss, moved to another town (the first I have never had any emotional attachment to), started going out in public again (and as of 2015, started going alone), became comfortable with my much-missed road trips and started to eat healthier. I even found out, through lots of self-advocacy, that a major vitamin deficiency contributed to my depressive state, and completed a vitamin regimen to help boost that back to where it should be.
I have also received lots of suggestions that I don't doubt were well-meaning, but are not for me. I had at least two people ask me if I found God. I've actually had God for many years and my relationship with Him/Her is a private and steadfast, yet questioning one. I don't buy into the blind faith of my baptized religion, Roman Catholicism and will not in my lifetime. Rehab has also been addressed. And that one is funny. Because it is not financially feasible, regardless of the state I am in. But it's a frustrating suggestion. I work full-time, tend to my family the best I can, have a good therapeutic and medical support system in place that I adhere to...I basically receive all of the things I would in an inpatient setting, but get to live and work like a normal person. Because I am a normal person. People often forget that. Many say that they don't carry stigmas when it comes to the mentally ill. But it's out there, even if laws are in place to prevent discrimination. I am here to tell you, though, that in spite of all my mental health crap, I know I am a viable,
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