Learning how to "be" again...

I imagine that many of my posts aren't exactly uplifters. I have lots of days that, in my book for where I am at, are good ones...but one thing I never anticipated was that, in the year or so that followed my mental breakdown, I would experience some of the worst days, weeks, months of my life. I want to preface this all by iterating how thankful I am to have a strong core family, recently reestablished connections with other dear family members and rekindled ties with some acquaintances/friends from my past, as well as some new friendships that emerged. I am lucky for that.

Maybe it's not being in my 20s anymore or the enormity of realizing what my breakdown kept me from doing for that year, but it's dawned on me, the grief process and how it really works. I feel that I have been fortunate in not having lost an immediate family member or a best friend, but I have lost folks steadily over the course of a long period of time and I never really stopped to consider it aside from initial sadness and the societal show of "moving on" and "being strong." Students I used to work with, parents of dear friends present and past, friends of my own, two really lovely grandparents, and most recently, my dear aunt, have all left, most of them too soon. I think her passing has certainly taught me that, not only for myself, but for others, that grief is certainly not a linear experience and is unique to each person. I also note that it feels very much like actual ocean waves....sometimes, the waters are calm and other times, I feel like I can't breathe.

I still haven't figured out yet why this happens, the losses...the ones that don't seem to make sense. No death is happy, but I wonder why people die before old age hits and why freak accidents happen. I do believe in God, very much, but am not sure as to why s/he takes people away from us on Earth at random. Through this whole thing, I have learned how to be a more compassionate person, i.e. people that lose something/someone can't just get over it and the pace at which that happens is not to be determined by the outside world. I also know the deep feeling of regret, of not having spent more time with folks before the left, not having had the chance to say goodbye. Even in the ending of relationships, it is a death of sorts because you rarely know that the last time you talk with someone is actually the very last and final time. I think not taking those little moments with people for granted is important. Heart feels a little heavy tonight with it having been over a year since my Aunt Roe died so excuse my ramblings....so excuse my rambling. But take care of each other and yourselves. Time does help, but it never really ever stops hurting. Be compassionate.